Susie's Blogs

  Sharp, Crisp, Cold blade running across my saphenous vein,  Do I count to three or just push it deep?  Will this end my pain?  Am I sane?  All these questions running through my mind like threads of rope intertwined,  This feeling of hope feels far away,  I’m the girl at school everyone walks past and says “Hey”,  Nobody would suspect a girl so sad to look okay,  But hey, we all go through pain in different ways,  And this was my fucked up way that released  the pain that was inside of me,  Without drifting too far away..

As time goes on,  I feel more drawn to peace and being alone,  Growing up in a toxic home,  Turned my heart into stone,  God please give me your warmth,  To make it out of this storm,  Another day goes by,  Trying to keep my soul alive,  Even when I’m dying inside,  I still continue to fight. 

 I haven’t posted in awhile. I think it’s a good thing because I finally focused on working on myself from within. It hurts to know how fucked up your family can really be or the trauma it puts on young teens.  Growing up, I’ve only ever talked to a few friends about my actual “life” not the life I show to the rest of my family and the world. It isn’t sunshine and rainbows. Or a cup of coffee, like I make it out to be.  Instead, it’s anger and pain. Those cycles repeat nearly every day for me. The stuff I’ve seen at such a young age is crazy. I tell myself maybe god wanted this for me. Maybe love isn’t real? So I’ve been in survival mode since I was young. Because I see how men betray, lie, and cheat. It sucks to not be able to feel anything. Truly it does. I’m emotionless and sometimes it’s hard for my own family to understand and for me to show my thoughts and feelings because I’ve had a wall up my entire life. It started off with physical fights. Seeing your mother cry...