A hidden letter to My Father- Graduation

 

Dear Dad, 

  I always wonder what your childhood memories were and how you were when you were little. You never quite talked about it much other than the discipline your parents had on you. Did you run around free and carelessly? Sing and dance to your favorite Italian songs? Eat a bunch of pasta or gelato? Chase your siblings around in the backyard? Play with toy cars? Or just imagine having your own little world? I guess I just have a lot of things on my mind late at night. But I just imagine how things could have been between you and me sometimes. I remember when I was little you would chase me and Angelina around the yard, call us your little princesses, and swim in the pool with us. You would also tuck us in bed sometimes and try to read bedtime stories most nights. It’s hard to remember being that close with you because it feels so far away now. I feel that our relationship never got better and we kept getting further apart. From time to time I will blame it on myself but I can’t be the only one trying to change things between you and me, it goes both ways. I would tell myself sometimes when we would argue that I think you feel that you need to put your guard up and distance yourself from relationships because of your failed relationship with your father. You are afraid of accepting and receiving love possibly due to a relationship you had as a child so you aren’t as open as mom is. Deep, deep, deep down I know there is a little boy who didn’t get enough love and knows it’s true but is unwilling to accept it. Growing up, I found it hard to hug you or even express love to you. Not just you but in other relationships with people on a daily basis. I had to teach myself to love me, give love out, and to let love come in. When people ask about my life or a background story on my life I will make up stories about me being super close with everyone, having fun, talking all the time, and always receiving love from both parents. All in all, we know that’s not true. Even though I wish it could be… I used to try and care so so much about you. I used to fight to just receive attention or even the smallest amounts of love. I tried my hardest to hold on & keep you a close part of my life but you didn’t care as much as I did. I didn’t lose you. You lost who you were and lost ahold of the most important things in life; happiness and family. I really hope one day you look back and realize how beautiful life truly is when you live in the present. Enjoy that fresh breath of sunshine, the feeling of the warmth from the sun hitting your skin, the breeze of air from the salty ocean waves, and the family standing right in front of you that just wanted to love you and be loved by you 🤍