Susie's Blogs

  Take my hand and hold it tight, And tell me everything will be alright, I don’t know how long I can last, If your not here to hold me back, I miss you more everyday, You were the sunshine to my rain, Never knew how much you meant, Until you left to college again.

  My heart feels so far away,   I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually felt alive, I can’t even remember my childhood memories, All these things and feelings that eat me alive everyday,  Keep trying to find a way to escape, And I keep pushing it back,  In order to keep the past from haunting me, And turning my soul into rock, Since that’s the only thing as a child I was ever taught

  In a perfect world I would     always be happy, In a perfect world I would feel free, In a perfect world I would feel loved, In a perfect world I could erase the past, In a perfect world I would heal from my past, In a perfect world I would finally see eye to eye with my dad. 

  Sharp, Crisp, Cold blade running across my saphenous vein,  Do I count to three or just push it deep?  Will this end my pain?  Am I sane?  All these questions running through my mind like threads of rope intertwined,  This feeling of hope feels far away,  I’m the girl at school everyone walks past and says “Hey”,  Nobody would suspect a girl so sad to look okay,  But hey, we all go through pain in different ways,  And this was my fucked up way that released  the pain that was inside of me,  Without drifting too far away..

As time goes on,  I feel more drawn to peace and being alone,  Growing up in a toxic home,  Turned my heart into stone,  God please give me your warmth,  To make it out of this storm,  Another day goes by,  Trying to keep my soul alive,  Even when I’m dying inside,  I still continue to fight. 

 I haven’t posted in awhile. I think it’s a good thing because I finally focused on working on myself from within. It hurts to know how fucked up your family can really be or the trauma it puts on young teens.  Growing up, I’ve only ever talked to a few friends about my actual “life” not the life I show to the rest of my family and the world. It isn’t sunshine and rainbows. Or a cup of coffee, like I make it out to be.  Instead, it’s anger and pain. Those cycles repeat nearly every day for me. The stuff I’ve seen at such a young age is crazy. I tell myself maybe god wanted this for me. Maybe love isn’t real? So I’ve been in survival mode since I was young. Because I see how men betray, lie, and cheat. It sucks to not be able to feel anything. Truly it does. I’m emotionless and sometimes it’s hard for my own family to understand and for me to show my thoughts and feelings because I’ve had a wall up my entire life. It started off with physical fights. Seeing your mother cry...

 Worst year ever. I cant believe there's still alot going on and we just entered 2021. I'm drained. I met a boy who loves me. He always makes me laugh. But somehow I still manage to hide my feelings and past. Wish I could feel something but I know this won't even last because everyone leaves eventually. So why catch feelings fast? Kinda want to rewind back to 2010 when life was much simpler and technology didn't waste half my time. I need to make changes. So if I improve I'll be back in a while